The Girl has a Choice

Faced with a choice, the girl finds herself conflicted, confused, and completely uncertain as to what to do next.

For all that has happened, for all of the craziness, and sharp turns, she’s happy. But her happiness is at another’s expense. But not in the expected sense. The way that would make sense. Mighty fitting the girl thinks.

She is toxic. Venom runs through her veins, figuratively speaking. Her bite won’t cause paralyzing, detrimental effects, but her friendship just might.

The girl knows the choice she must make. It is the only way; the right way. But every time she comes close, so close, she can’t do it. It’s insane, she knows, but nothing that has happened is rational, so it’s beginning to become difficult to determine a level of normalcy.

She knows the right way despite what has been said. What has been told to her. There is pain and hurt and it will continue; it will get worse; it won’t get better. The girl is aware of this, yet, she cannot follow through with the right decision — the way that would be best for all.

But whatever sadness the girl faces, she knows that it will be nothing in comparison to the sadness of others if she doesn’t put it to an end. In a situation that is muddied and all mixed up, this is the only thing she can see clearly.

So yet again, the girl finds herself in a place where everything is questioned, and this time there is no one that can help. The answer is easy. Anyone can see it.

But the real question is, will the girl ignore it once again.

A breakthrough or a @#%$*?

So have I hit some kind of breakthrough in life or am I just a becoming a big….., well, you know.

As it turns out, I have developed a remarkable trait for speaking my mind. OK, so maybe not a new trait, but speaking my mind in a different way.

I am the classic people pleaser. Everyone must like me, all of the time. Sound annoying? Well it is. Especially when you are living it. It’s hard being so darned likable all of the time.

Well, thanks to forces apparently out of my control, I seem to no longer give a damn. Maybe it’s just a phase, or all of those chemicals in those lovely nicotine lozenges I inhale. Either way, speaking my mind no longer seems to be a problem.

Case in point: today at work. I was on fire, or should have been (add ed, in case you didn’t get the clever joke). Well, It wasn’t nearly that bad.

Without going into too many details (out of fear of being recognized, help us God), we started holding a weekly contest, in which all of the employees compete. I, help us God, am one of the judges, in a way. In any case, this was the first week, and the results caused some controversy.

Perhaps I took the complaints a little too seriously, but basically I made it clear in no uncertain terms that I did not give a…well, you know. Grow up.

I guess I am just sick of the drama, actually I don’t think I’ve ever been a fan. People run around gossiping, making comments, jokes, about other people, laughing, trading secrets. And these are the people from whom I try to seek approval? I’m not just talking about my job. I am talking about every job, and various other situations, including those close to me. Basically, life in general.

Alright, my intention is definitely not to turn into some crazy, finger-snapping, flies-off-the-handle-at-anything girl. I just want to live life without having to worry what others think.

I may be constantly fighting against me every day, but the truth is I am pretty confident in who I am. For the most part I have fun. The problem comes in with other people.

OK, so total contradiction, right? Apparently, I do care what others think.

Well, maybe.

But a people pleaser can’t be healed overnight.

Then again, with my mouth having decided to take its own path, I won’t have too many people left to please. Problem solved.