The Question is…

It seems to me, the older I get the more acutely aware I am of the changes in my behavior and personality.

There are some things for which I am utterly grateful. For instance, I’ve gotten a lot calmer and not so much in-your-face as I once was. One of the greatest changes, to me, is the realization that I do not know it all nor will I ever. Maybe this doesn’t happen to everyone, but it certainly has for me. I’ve always been a bit of a know-it-all and was quick to spout my opinion. This still applies, but the difference is now when I don’t know something, I’m not ashamed to admit or to go after the truth. I don’t pretend with myself or others. At the age of 30, I have realized that it’s perfectly OK to say “I’m sorry but I don’t know what that is.”

Seems kind of silly really, but I think has to do with being comfortable with myself. I have accepted me for me and all of my limitations. I no longer care as much if someone does not think me intelligent or cool or just so totally awesome they need to be around my presence forever and forever. At this stage, I’m more about trying to live a full and happy life than to bother with such silly things as “I wonder if they like me.” OK, I will admit I’m getting a bit cocky on this, and I’m afraid, also stretching the truth. Everyone must still like me. It is imperative to my being. I don’t why, but it is. However, I was not exaggerating on the realizing I don’t know it all and no longer being as concerned about receiving criticisms or corrections. I think they call that confidence. Being assured in who you are and therefore not feeling threatened at not being the best of the best at everything.

Once again I’ve strayed from my initial point. Well, that certainly hasn’t changed. What I wanted to get down to is a concern of mine that’s been eating at me as of late. I used to be very nice. Perhaps too nice. Maybe, you can say, a pushover. I was sweet and didn’t get mad easily nor bark at others. Unfortunately, I now find myself getting angrier more quickly and not at all being afraid of spouting my mind. Seems slightly contradictory to my opening, but I think the one has caused the other.

See, back in the day when I thought I knew it all (a common problem with youth), I also bent to other people’s opinions of myself way too much and too often. I was not confident in myself and therefore was afraid to reveal my weaknesses or ignorance. Wanting to be just plain awesome, I never let my guard down. While at the same time, I never wanted to upset anyone, so I always accommodated everyone else’s feelings before my own. But I was truly nice.

Now, I’m not at all fearful of exposing my weaknesses, and more and more, I am doing things to further my own happiness. I’m more concerned about me. The problem is, I’m afraid I’m losing my niceness. I’m not as sweet as I once was and this is very upsetting to me. It’s good that I now stand up for myself, but I don’t want to lose that other piece. I absolutely 100 percent do not want to become one of those jaded people who only sees the negative in others and automatically thinks the world is out screw them. I want to see the good and give the benefit of the doubt. I want to take a few minutes of my time to help someone who looks like they’re struggling even if it means delaying my own journey.

This is the person I want to be and I’m fearful that it’s being sucked away with age. So, the question for me is, how do I strike a balance? How do I stick up for myself and work on making me happy while still being nice and considerate to others?

I don’t know that I have an answer as of yet, but I think if I can always remember what the question is, and know in my heart the type of person I want to be, I might just get there. Hopefully. Until age comes again, wipes my memory away and leaves me a cranky old woman who calls everyone sonny and chases people off her lawn with a garden hose.