‘Cause I gotta have faith… Baby’

Some things don’t make sense to me. It’s when I try to figure them out that I run into problems. It’s one thing trying to wrap your head around a theory or formula. Yeah it’s complex but there are facts, evidence, and a line of reasoning that backs it all up and eventually makes it click in your head.

Feelings, relationships, emotions, other people’s behaviors — these usually have fuzzy facts and little to no clear reason attached to them, so trying to understand why someone does what they do could make your head spin around a million times.

When you live a life where you reaffirm yourself through others, which I regret greatly to admit that this has been me for a large part of my life, you can spend hours at end trying to make sense of other people. Because if you don’t make sense of them, you can’t make sense of you. It’s like a giant living riddle that sometimes feels endless.

For me, I guess the bigger problem is I don’t like complications or messiness and I must ALWAYS be in control. I want everything to be in a neat little order, organized in my brain so I can take a mental inventory of the pieces of my life to make sure everything is still moving along without any glitches. When I can’t understand something or make sense of it, glitches occur and things stop running smoothly. I start getting hung up on the one thing that doesn’t seem to add up or feels like it’s slipping out of control, and then me, and as a result all of the other pieces, are off balance.

I suppose there’s some excitement and a little danger in not really having total control. When you move forward with things unbalanced, it’s a bit risky. I feel like I’m just groping along with my eyes shut inching forward, hoping it all comes together. That’s when you need to have faith and a whole lot of trust.

Maybe that’s where I really have the most trouble.