My Lazy Reproduction

This blog is virtually secret to anyone who knows me personally. I set it up like this on purpose, because of situational events when it first began. A way to get out my thoughts without everyone knowing the monkey wrench I had thrown into my life.

Now, I am thankful for the anonymity, as what I am about to share, I wish not to share with most everyone close to me. Weird how I am about to write about something I am keeping private in a public forum, but I suppose in this age that’s the way it works from time to time.

So the deal is, I am going to try to be a mommy. Now, before those of you who read this blog regularly reach for the phone to call social services, I am feeling reasonably confident in my decision. Though I must say that the more I try to logistically plan, the more petrified I become. But there’s plenty of time to freak out when I am pregnant right?

In any case, today I had my yearly appointment with the girly doctor and I announced my plan. So instead of the usual script for 12 more months of birth control, he instructed me to buy a multi-vitamin and drink milk (ugghhhh).

There are a couple of layers to this, though, that make it not your typical case.

A. I am not married. For some, including my entire family, this is an issue, which is reason number one I have not announced my plans. My boyfriend and I have decided that we will take everything step by step and we may very well decide on marriage once we get into this. The deal is we have been together for going on 11 years. We are committed and I don’t think there’s questions about whether either of us are going anywhere (despite my best efforts to ruin our relationship, but that’s another topic). We are both stable and feel we would have a lot to offer a child, but marriage has never been an issue for us. We are not religious so we do not feel the pressure there and quite frankly, the more pressure we get from those close to us, the more we shy away from it. For us it is not nor has it ever been an issue, and we do not want to get married purely because everyone else wants us to. Not to mention the fact that the traditional ceremony does not appeal to us and eloping doesn’t really seem like a viable option either, as no matter what we do, we will be forced into some kind of reception. I know there is a lot of judgment to come, and my biggest fear is how people will view it. If I get pregnant and there is no ring, I don’t want people to make assumptions that it was “a mistake” or that my boyfriend and I are not serious about each other.

The other layer to this is:

B. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). It is “an endocrine disorder that affects approximately 5% of all women. It occurs amongst all races and nationalities, is the most common hormonal disorder among women of reproductive age, and is a leading cause of infertility.” Thank you very much Wikipedia.

I am not a typical case; in fact I don’t even know that I have cysts on my ovaries, but I do have high insulin levels and my body is incapable of producing a regular period, as in I’ve only done it twice my entire life without assistance from the hormone gods. I was diagnosed about two years ago and remained on the pill, as at the time, I was not ready to get pregnant.

Now I am, and my doctor assures me there is no reason I cannot. Except that I probably cannot just go free and footloose to try.  I am ending my pills for this month and then I am trying it for two or three months. At that point, if my body can’t produce, I have to induce it yet again, and then we talk fertility drug, clomid. I am assured from the medical profession that this is not a big deal. Though there is a 5 to 10 percent change of twins. Wouldn’t that be fabulous. Two for the price of one.

So I know this quirky little blog just took a very personal tone, and released much more information than I am prone to giving, but as I have elected not to share with friends and family, I need to spill it somewhere. The reason I am keeping my lip buttoned, is because of the marriage thing, because I am not sure how smoothly it will go, and because of my routine insistence to everyone I know that I do not want kids. The truth is, I do, but I have been too afraid that I am unable to, to ever share this desire. As I said, there is no reason to believe I can’t, but I am not sure how much energy I have in me to go down a long path of trying, if it comes down to it. I guess my fear is, if I start out on a fertility drug, it’s like going out of the gate running and if nothing happens from there then the entire run is going to be uphill.

Then there’s always that chance that my body has decided to get into action. Who knows maybe those lazy little ovaries of mine will surprise me and start producing without being prodded first. See, every bit of me is a procrastinator, right down to my uterus.