Excuse me, is this where you make a baby?

There are days where I feel like I’ve just kind of stumbled backwards into this whole baby-making thing. Like I was just walking down a hallway one day, saw a door marked “baby making” and said “alright then, I’ll have a go.” Not sure why I was British at the moment, but my point is I feel like I should be more committed, more knowledgeable about what lies ahead.

I’ve been trying to be casual about this whole thing, which I think is good. You know, don’t stress out too much, keep the ovaries relaxed and soothed. But last week I took my first round of Clomid. The whole idea of it is it’s supposed to get you ovulating and supercharge your eggs (I keeping having visions of these muscular versions of the Robbins eggs you get at Easter; sick I know). As I don’t ovulate, you would figure this would be perfect for me. But when I went in on Thursday I was told this:

“Well, I don’t see any large follicles here.”

I’m sorry, what? I had no idea what the size of my follicles had to do with producing a baby. I said as much to the doctor, and apparently it has everything to do with it. Large follicles means you will soon be ovulating, and as already mentioned, that’s the goal. Nobody told me there was a size requirement to get on the baby-making ride. I’d assume I’d waltz in there and get my schedule for “the point of intercourse” and be on my merry way. Instead I was sent packing with an appointment to repeat the whole exercise next week. But apparently none of this is abnormal and regularly occurs, and I feel stupid for not knowing this stuff.

I am trying really hard to stay away from the Internet, because not only do I think I have every disease possible, now when  I read comments and stories from other women, I feel completely inadequate. They got it down pact and here I am all confused and not sure what large follicles has to do with anything.

But I will just keep moving forward and learn as I go. Next week I’ll find out whether or not the Clomid was actually effective. If not, then I’ll have to repeat the whole thing at larger dose. Sounds fun, right? Excuse me while I scratch my head and stumble into another room…

King Kong Holly

Oh, how I wanted to write a clever, poignant blog that was witty, insightful and altogether positive. You know, the kind of blog I’ve always wanted to write but could never quite pull off.

Well, here’s the deal. I’m cranky and, in full disclosure, gassy too. I’m on the hormones again and despite what my boyfriend says, I’m not using the side effects as a crutch nor am I making up symptoms because I’m a hypochondriac. Yes, I do tend to think I’m dying of a rare disease every time I have a slight headache, and yes I should be banned from using Web MD. But I’m telling you that I am irritable and I do have major stomach cramps and I had these (and was complaining about them) well before I looked up side effects of Progesterone. So, OK, I think it’s clear that you can hit a giant check mark next to irritable.

I’m so afraid that pretty soon I’m going to turn from Super Holly into King Kong Holly. Only instead of clutching onto a blond lady on the top of a building, I’ll be crouching on my house shaking a martini in one hand and chugging down Maalox with the other.

Now, I’ve never been pregnant (obviously, or this would all be a moot point) but I’m starting to question my ability to handle it gracefully. I’ve always been in love with the idea of being pregnant. Ever since I was in 7th grade and my mom was pregnant with my younger sister. I’ve always thought it such a magical and beautiful process. But here I am not even able to get to the point of trying and I’m already having difficulty squeezing into my pants, need to carry around my own can of air freshener, and I’m ready to cry in an instant.

Maye I’m just not man enough to handle pregnancy (you, know in a manner of speaking)? Or maybe my non-ovulating body is trying to tell me something, like “Lady, you are just way too whiny, addicted to caffeine and swear too much to have a baby.” Perhaps.

Unfortunately, as my boyfriend was unable to get everything in order in time to make his special donation, it looks like the process will be prolonged even further and I will need to go through this yet again. They don’t want me to proceed to the next step until they are certain nothing is wrong with him. Which is good, but still, I find myself wishing again that it was a more natural process. It all feels so contrived and it’s really hard being off the pill. I’m embarrassed saying this but I’m growing a beard. Really, a beard. Now as I write this, I just want to say that I know there are people that are going through way worse than me and have been trying for a very long time with no success. I know that overall I am very lucky and there appears to be no other issue than the lack of ovulation. I may be irritable but that doesn’t mean I have to insensitive.

But a girl can whine a little, at least on her own blog, right?