A little patience

Did you ever do something that you knew was a really stupid idea? There’s a voice in your head saying, “don’t do it.” But you do anyway. Well, that was me this morning when I peed on a stick.

A little back story…

As it would turn out, the higher dosage of Clomid appears to be the right combo for me as I actually ovulated this month. I found out a day before we left for Key West. Oh, yeah, I was in Key West. So anyway, five days from now I will either get my period or I won’t. But me being the impatient one that I am, I decided to test myself earlier than I should have. Surprise, surprise, it was negative. The problem is the entire exercise was futile as I could still be pregnant. A false negative is not uncommon so early. So like I said, stupid idea.

Why is it that I just can’t let what will be, be? My external voice is just really loud and bossy and it squashes the internal voice to the point of oblivion. Maybe there’s a third voice, the voice of chaos and anarchy, that just pops up when a battle is going on and says “Yeah, we all know this is dumb, but what the hell, let’s do it.”

Oh, me and my crazy antics.

So, here I’ll be for the next few days, listening to the voices in my head and counting down the days. Perhaps I should try humming….

Said, woman, take it slow
And it’ll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience

Mute — Figuratively not Literally

It appears I’ve been rendered mute. Not literally, thank God. If anyone recalls my bout with laryngitis last year, you’re aware that I don’t take too kindly to not speaking. I mean figuratively mute. It’s been more than two weeks since I last wrote and to be honest, I feel like I have nothing to say. I’m not quite sure why this is. My best reasoning is that my life has evolved greatly since I began writing this blog.

It’s not yet two years  but the point where I was mentally then is much farther than where I am now. I am calmer and more secure in myself and my life. I feel settled. Just the act of trying to have a child is an indicator that things are way different. I’ve always wanted kids but at that time, I just wasn’t ready.

I started this blog for a reason. I did something unthinkable to someone I loved and I needed an outlet for my guilt. I succeeded, and now since the storm has settled, and my mind and body have too, my feelings are not as tangled.

So I’m not sure where that really leaves now. It’s good, for sure. But now the motivation to explore and make sense of those complicated feelings is very low. I guess that means that I may be mute for a bit until I find a new voice.