So today I get to feel like Lea Kelley for a bit. Though if only I could articulate just half as well, but in any case…

Thank you for…

My older sister, without whom I would have gone crazy a long time ago

My boyfriend, my fellow weirdo, cheerleader and constant enabler

A president I can believe in

People who do not sacrifice what they believe is right no matter what happens to them

Generosity and kindness. It still exists. We’re too busy focusing on the negative to see those small selfless deeds others do throughout the day.

Soy Milk. Seriously, just tried it for the first time today. Now, it’s official. I’m in love with anything soy.

That Holly Jr. has finally selected a college. Yay!!!

My mother and father. We’ve had rocky times, but despite everything, they do love me, and that I know I can’t take for granted.

Phillip Roth. Why did it take me so long to discover him?

All of the optimists out there. If we keep on going we may be able to finally convert all those naysayers to our side.

A steady job (even if it does make me want to scream on a daily basis).

Friends. Incredibly grateful for the people in my life. They keep me smiling.

A part-time gig at the local paper. I didn’t realize how much I missed reporting.

Good health. For me and my family.

And lastly…

My fellow bloggers. Really, you keep me sane.

There’s a lot more I’m sure, but I don’t want to bore you. Hope everyone has a fabulous day!

As some of you know, I’ve been posting irregularly, primarily because the only thing on my mind is this baby thing, and well, I can’t think of anything else to share.

So, before I get to my announcement, a delightful blogger — you can see her here — who is going through a very similar situation to me, gave me a very wonderful little blogging award, which is incredibly sweet, and I have yet to fulfill my obligations on that, but I will.

The announcement (like it’s really that suspenseful)…I have started a new blog. OK, now before we get ahead of ourselves I know there are a few skeptics out there given my erratic posting to this one as of late, but I fully intend to write both. Yes, that’s write, you now get double the pleasure.

My new blog is all about trying to conceive. See, here’s my thoughts on this. As I said, right now baby-making is what’s on my mind most, but I feel kind of guilty writing just on that, because I got to figure that maybe not everyone who reads this blogs cares about when I am and am not ovulating. Not that anyone really cares about all of the other happenings I write about, but whatever. So I thought, maybe it would be best to have a place that’s just for those sort of topics. And this blog will remain my place to air my feelings and write whatever it is I want.

The result of all this is The Fertilely-Challenged Black Sheep, kind of a a goofy title I know, but it seemed fitting. So, if anyone wants to check it out, please feel free. It is here. If not, that’s fine as well I will continue to write here and don’t worry, when my day comes I will be sure to announce it all over the place.

Interested aren’t you? What is it about a secret that’s so tantalizing? It gets the blood pumping. and makes you feel, somehow special, powerful.You know something that you must guard from others.

Of course some secrets aren’t good and you don’t always want them, but what’s wrong with just a few harmless ones? Nothing says I. It’s the best form of adult rebellion, exhilarating, makes you feel alive.

And, it may not be as juicy as you’d like to be, but you’re keeping one of my secrets. A big one. The baby-making thing. OK, so as I said, not really juicy, but come on, tell me you don’t feel just a little bit special right now. I mean even my mother doesn’t know. Though there’s good reason for that. I mean, I doubt any of you would call me up four times a day to check on the state of my ovaries and somehow turn the entire experience into your own failure (“If I hadn’t given you these genes”). That I don’t need.

But you people have done a wonderful job. Bravo to you. Now, that I know I can trust you, maybe I’ll give you a juicy one to chew on.

See, already curious, aren’t you?

But it’s OK. I do have a cyst on my ovary, which the doctor assures me is no big deal. I need to wait until my cyst disappears to go back on Clomid. Well, actually I may have gotten myself taken off of Clomid altogether, but that’s another story.

Through all of this I’m really starting to realize the power of positivity. It’s not always easy and there are times I’m frustrated, upset, and a bit depressed, but then I remind myself that in the larger scheme of things I am blessed in many ways and I’m only in the beginning stages of trying to conceive. There are women who’ve been trying for years and my heart goes out to them.

I don’t know what’s to come, but I do know that assuming the worst without waiting to see what unfolds will only make things much more difficult to deal with. Some of the more skeptical, negative people I know always say they are that way because of what they’ve been through in life. But I think it doesn’t need to be that way. You should always learn from the past, and of course we are affected by and will always be the wiser (and a bit biased) because of our past experiences, but in spite of that, and maybe because of that, I think it’s vital to take each situation as it comes, and try to remain positive. I know I’ve lectured on this before but sometimes I just need to repeat it to keep myself focused.

So, I vow not to get upset, to stay up beat, and to keep on trucking, no matter how long the journey. I know that will not always be the case but I can certainly try. And trying is what I’m all about these days.

Did you ever do something that you knew was a really stupid idea? There’s a voice in your head saying, “don’t do it.” But you do anyway. Well, that was me this morning when I peed on a stick.

A little back story…

As it would turn out, the higher dosage of Clomid appears to be the right combo for me as I actually ovulated this month. I found out a day before we left for Key West. Oh, yeah, I was in Key West. So anyway, five days from now I will either get my period or I won’t. But me being the impatient one that I am, I decided to test myself earlier than I should have. Surprise, surprise, it was negative. The problem is the entire exercise was futile as I could still be pregnant. A false negative is not uncommon so early. So like I said, stupid idea.

Why is it that I just can’t let what will be, be? My external voice is just really loud and bossy and it squashes the internal voice to the point of oblivion. Maybe there’s a third voice, the voice of chaos and anarchy, that just pops up when a battle is going on and says “Yeah, we all know this is dumb, but what the hell, let’s do it.”

Oh, me and my crazy antics.

So, here I’ll be for the next few days, listening to the voices in my head and counting down the days. Perhaps I should try humming….

Said, woman, take it slow
And it’ll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience

It appears I’ve been rendered mute. Not literally, thank God. If anyone recalls my bout with laryngitis last year, you’re aware that I don’t take too kindly to not speaking. I mean figuratively mute. It’s been more than two weeks since I last wrote and to be honest, I feel like I have nothing to say. I’m not quite sure why this is. My best reasoning is that my life has evolved greatly since I began writing this blog.

It’s not yet two years  but the point where I was mentally then is much farther than where I am now. I am calmer and more secure in myself and my life. I feel settled. Just the act of trying to have a child is an indicator that things are way different. I’ve always wanted kids but at that time, I just wasn’t ready.

I started this blog for a reason. I did something unthinkable to someone I loved and I needed an outlet for my guilt. I succeeded, and now since the storm has settled, and my mind and body have too, my feelings are not as tangled.

So I’m not sure where that really leaves now. It’s good, for sure. But now the motivation to explore and make sense of those complicated feelings is very low. I guess that means that I may be mute for a bit until I find a new voice.

There are days where I feel like I’ve just wondered into crazy town. I look around me and think, “Really, this is life when I’m not dreaming?”

Today…work was crazy. I’ll stop there because I really don’t want to whine. I’d like some wine, but alas I settled for some vodka and a South Beach dried juice pouch. Yes, I’m living the high life.

So here’s what I say to days like today — laugh, laugh, and laugh some more. When you’re stressed to the point of tears, not sure if it’s just you or everyone else out there, when you want to throw, kick, or hurt something, just laugh. When you laugh, what else is there to do. Nothing.

Though, I’d suggest not laughing at your boss when they have a particularly crazy moment. Though entertaining, it usually doesn’t go over well. I’m speaking from experience.

I can do a lot of things.

I can dance — in just about any style you can think of, though choreographed moves never go well because of my coordination issues.

I can cook reasonably well. Not amazingly, but enough to go, “mmmmm…that’s good.” And I make an awesome apple pie.

I can read music and play the flute. Sometimes at the same time.

I can speak in public, and I’ve got excellent phone etiquette.

I can read a book, talk politics, swim, make homemade pizza and so much more.

But what I can’t do, even with the help of the fertility gods, is ovulate. Just can’t make it happen.

“It’s frustrating.”

That’s what my doctor said when she came in the room with my ultrasound images and announced that after 21 days into my first round of Clomid, I still had tiny follicles. What’s a girl to do?

So, naturally, my immediate first thought was to go home and give my ovaries a strong talking to. I mean after all, there are eggs in there; I can see them. It just won’t let them out.

But I swallowed my ill will and tried hard not to hit the panic button. As my doctor said, there are options available and one way or another something has to work. They can’t stay in there forever. Can they?

Now, I am on my way to round two of the Clomid at a double dose, with the hopes that we can coax a few of those eggs out of their shell. I will admit, all of this is a bit disappointing. Without ovulation, we can’t even get to the trying-to-have-a-baby stage. I can’t even qualify for the race.

But, despite my very negative attitude of late, I am trying really hard to remain positive. Just a minor setback and I could be in a much worse position. As it appears, I have all of the necessary items, and they all look in tip-top shape, so once we get the wheels in motion, my body should be capable of conceiving.

It’s amazing to me that a girl who doesn’t shut up and is always making a spectacle of herself could have chronically shy eggs. If only I could find a way to ply them with some vodka. I’m just kidding. Or maybe….

This is the sign for an elevator:

This the sign for a restroom:

When you find yourself in a predicament in the middle of a very large mall, do not confuse the two. Or else two people, innocently exiting the elevator, will come across you looking completely baffled and inquiring as to whether or not the restroom is upstairs.

“But that sign has little people on it. Doesn’t it mean the restroom?”

“No. I’m sorry that’s the sign for the elevator.”

I just don’t know if there’s really more I can to say that, or really after that incident, if I should ever say anything ever again.

There are days where I feel like I’ve just kind of stumbled backwards into this whole baby-making thing. Like I was just walking down a hallway one day, saw a door marked “baby making” and said “alright then, I’ll have a go.” Not sure why I was British at the moment, but my point is I feel like I should be more committed, more knowledgeable about what lies ahead.

I’ve been trying to be casual about this whole thing, which I think is good. You know, don’t stress out too much, keep the ovaries relaxed and soothed. But last week I took my first round of Clomid. The whole idea of it is it’s supposed to get you ovulating and supercharge your eggs (I keeping having visions of these muscular versions of the Robbins eggs you get at Easter; sick I know). As I don’t ovulate, you would figure this would be perfect for me. But when I went in on Thursday I was told this:

“Well, I don’t see any large follicles here.”

I’m sorry, what? I had no idea what the size of my follicles had to do with producing a baby. I said as much to the doctor, and apparently it has everything to do with it. Large follicles means you will soon be ovulating, and as already mentioned, that’s the goal. Nobody told me there was a size requirement to get on the baby-making ride. I’d assume I’d waltz in there and get my schedule for “the point of intercourse” and be on my merry way. Instead I was sent packing with an appointment to repeat the whole exercise next week. But apparently none of this is abnormal and regularly occurs, and I feel stupid for not knowing this stuff.

I am trying really hard to stay away from the Internet, because not only do I think I have every disease possible, now when  I read comments and stories from other women, I feel completely inadequate. They got it down pact and here I am all confused and not sure what large follicles has to do with anything.

But I will just keep moving forward and learn as I go. Next week I’ll find out whether or not the Clomid was actually effective. If not, then I’ll have to repeat the whole thing at larger dose. Sounds fun, right? Excuse me while I scratch my head and stumble into another room…